I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
