from now on my penis is your penis
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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