do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
