I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
