i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
