Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
It's never too late to be topless.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
