oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Randomize
