It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize