I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
