My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
