I think I won the penis lottery.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
