God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
