what day is it and did you see me today?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
