we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
