I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
