What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
