Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
