I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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