3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
