i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
