We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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