Welp...herpes.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
