Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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