Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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