no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
