worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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