I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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