I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
