he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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