They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
