I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
