I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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