Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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