made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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