Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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