I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
