the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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