You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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