You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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