I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I enjoy the company of your penis
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
