I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
