beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
