i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
