i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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