Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Randomize
