im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
All the doctor said was why
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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