If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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