At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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