I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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