Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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