Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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