I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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