I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize