Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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