I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
