my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
