Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
