if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
