when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
