Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
