'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
