so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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