Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize