i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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