I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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