is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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