...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
