Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
My life is pants optional.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
