Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
