Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
