Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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