You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
