my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i barfeds in our rink
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
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