I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize