Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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