I think my fart just growled at me.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
